Trouble in paradise? Here are 5 tricks to fortify your tribalism and soundproof your echo chamber.
Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash
New perspectives. Who needs ‘em!?
Since the dawn of time it has been repeatedly proven that discovery and innovation only leads to societal sadness. New ideas make people want to punch each other, different cultures and classes living side by side make jokes harder to convey, and political nuance is just plain confusing (and probably not that important anyways).
In a recent analysis, Research In Favor of Truth (RIFT) Polling & Strategy reported a 123% average increase in Thanksgiving gathering decibel levels since 2016–a 289% rise for families whose first child entered university. It’s time for a change. The problem is clear, and the solution is equally obvious: we all need to stop talking to each other. As soon as possible.
But how, you ask? Fear not! Never again will you be forced to endure a slightly disagreeable opinion. Here are 5 tricks to fortify your tribalism and soundproof your echo chamber:
1. Write your congressman and ask them which news is the best news.
Not all news is fabricated equal. Some do wonders for your xenophobia, while others simply make you feel better about yourself for the moment. The best news will do both. If you already have a violently rigid political affiliation, your favorite celebrity congressman should have valuable suggestions. Tweet them and ask which information-fire-hoses they recommend for each day’s melodrama. Ideally you’ll receive outlets that deliver hourly theatrics. Tragedies are constantly occurring all over the world, and many of them can be blamed on the faceless groups of people you disagree with.
2. Dramatically increase your use of social media.
Contrary to popular belief, reinforcing the durability of your echo chamber does not in fact come from reducing the barrage of inputs. If technology has done anything positive, it has been the development of magnificent algorithms that curate and refine not only the information that suits your previously held beliefs, but the people who share these precise beliefs as well! We are honored to live in an age where the more you consume, the more entrenched we become. Gone are the days of information variety, thank God. By dramatically increasing your overall social media engagement, you are all but assured to receive more of the same.
3. Increase the fervor of any contribution you make to any conversation.
Though this can be done both online and offline, we do recommend prioritizing your online efforts. In conjunction with tip #2 above, by increasing the impetus and righteousness of each contribution, a force-multiplier effect often results. Watch as your frustration proliferates throughout a comment thread in the like-minded. Now “friend” them and crawl their feed for both satisfying political memes and more threads that require your input. For in-person altercations, it is best to simply increase the volume of your voice (speaking in all caps) until all others leave your immediate vicinity. Even if you stray from the original topic of discussion, the desired outcome is often still achieved.
4. Keep a journal of the belief structures of your close friends and family.
Chances are, as your beliefs have flourished and improved over recent years, many of your loved ones’ have gone stale. It is important to keep track of exactly how wrong your family and friends have become. This can be done simply by tweeting each observation of idiocy and ignorance as it occurs, in real time. Be sure to tweet at them by using @ symbols, and include as many of your comrades as you can think of. Remember, it’s not about winning the argument, it’s about social reach. Volume and length of discussion are often great indicators of a.) the post’s potential virality, and b.) that the relationship has been harmed to such an extent that they will stop talking to you. Success!
5. Determine the paint color value of your skin tone.
Last but not least, try the oldest trick in the book. Since early civilization mankind has judged and weighed status on skin tone. It was easy to spot, and almost always yielded an accurate appraisal in inner worth. Modern society has been stumbling along trying to reinvent the wheel and develop new methods of effective prejudice. We judge folks by their bank accounts, the clothes they wear, the jobs they have, and the number of combined followers they have on Instagram and Twitter. Sure, these are also good measures of righteousness and they may serve pretty good while trolling the net, but when IRL we now falter without easy tools for wholesale condemnation.
Here’s what to do: Visit your local Home Depot, head on over to the Sherwin Williams paint department, and peruse the paint sample cards until you find your exact skin tone. Carry this card with you at all times. Assess the skin of others by placing it on their arm or face for comparison. Be critical of even the slightest gradation as this may indicate they are not your people after all. In this way, you can visit the world with assurance that all whom you encounter can be easily graded and either confidently affiliated with, or aggressively shunned.
Though the above 5 tricks are by no means an exhaustive list, they should serve to get you started. The less we interact with those that are different, the better off we all are. We’ve answered life’s biggest questions already, so really, there’s not much left to collaborate on anyhow. And it’s certainly not worth the inconvenience of learning something new. Now, go out from here and prune! Trim away the “others.” Exile the “different” from your circle. Homogeneity in all things can be yours at long last!
Don’t forget to like, share, and yell about this article on all your various feeds, forums, and employer slack channels.
Together we can divide and compartmentalize us all.
This article originally appeared in The Haven.
