Man Versus Machine
I hacked the sucker.
I broke him wide open.
Put the screws to the mammajamma.
Or rather, removed the screws from the mammajamma, did some wigglin’ and a-snippin’ and then screwed the screws back in the sucker.
Apologies for the abstraction. I am illustrating my morning battle with a Keurig coffee maker, and the resultant hack I was forced to implement (nay, willingly embarked upon) to correct its character and insubordinate behavior.
But first, why was I battling the caffeine machine?
The 3rd Party Keurig K-Cup Dispute
If you have ever bought, used, or enjoyed coffee from a Keurig, you know the experience is a delight. For you coffee snobs out there, I speak not of how it tickles the palate or the subtleties of its mouthfeel–I speak of the seamless user experience it delivers to the profoundly-caffeine-addicted, barely-morning-functional, bleary-eyed brewer.
For those of us who desire/require caffeine upon awakening, grabbing a pre-packaged coffee pod, plopping it into place, and pressing a single button is a real treat.
From sleep to sanity in sixty seconds or less. Sold.
But, if one morning you find you’ve purchased off-brand K-Cups (entirely by accident), and you want to quickly join the world of the woke, you’re in for a rude…continued asleepening.
Turns out Keurig has gone to great lengths (proprietary pod sockets, hidden magnets, infrared sensors, etc.) to ensure that the only coffee pods you can use, are their coffee pods.
Open Source vs. Closed Source
Generally, I’m all for closed source product systems.
I’m an Apple die-hard. I do appreciate the user experience consistency achieved when you say “No! You will NOT modify our products. We know the best way to build the things you want. Trust us.”
I have trusted, and they’re right; I’m happy.
Opting against open source enables the product maker to do some truly amazing things when they don’t have to consider how to enable their power-tool-happy MacGyver customer base with easy-to-open panels for tinkering and manufacturer-agnostic interchangeable-component receptacles.
In this case, however, I was emotional.
The hubris in their closed source strategy boiled me. Ironically, the adrenalized fury it lit deep in my belly effectively eliminated my need for caffeine.
I was awake and ready for WAR!
How I Hacked My Keurig 2.0
What does any good general do when a battle nears? YouTube search ways to win the war, of course.
Upon entering the search phase “jailbreak my Keurig” several vids were suggested. I scrubbed through a couple and quickly determined Ken was going to be my guy/guide.
His video 5 Keurig 2.0 K-Cup Hacks was surely the ticket to freedom.
But, alas, I was wrong.
Ol’ Ken had four nifty arts-n’-crafts solutions requiring scissors and all means of neon pens and paper (neon yellow and orange ink confuses infrared sensors. Neat new fact at least!), none of which I had handy (surprise surprise).
Hack number five at first sounded like my solution. Mostly because it was entitled the “Permanent Hack Solution”. I felt myself briefly wonder, “Weird how he didn’t’ start with that one.” Before quickly realizing he wasn’t about to detail it, as the video has mere seconds remaining.
You see, hack five involves tools.
Hack five involves grit.
Hack five voids the machine’s warranty…
…and there it is ^^^.
My suspicion is that Ken, having a fairly successful YouTube channel, opted against walking us through this one for liability reasons.
Or maybe he didn’t want to mess with wiring due to negative fork/outlet electrical experiences as a child.
As we all know, YouTube will handily suggest related videos at the end of the current video. In the post-roll there lay the eventual solution that was Unlocking Keureg 2.0 Permanently by soon to be dear friend (hopefully) PROTOONE.
Unlike Ken, I’ve personally had strictly positive fork/outlet experiences. So, I cracked my knuckles and got to it.
Tools & Materials Used:
Phillips head screwdriver
Wire cutters
Sharp knife
Pliers
Tape
Wits
I did what PROTOONE did, having a little extra fun pretending I was James Bond as I “Cut the green wire. ONLY THE GREEN WIRE, DAMN YOU!”
I only broke two latch snaps putting it back together, and when snugged and secured I plugged the sucker/mammajamma back in.
It preheated as normal.
I slid a fresh Trader Joe’s Electric Buzz Coffee Cup pod into place and closed the machine mouth. Bingo bango! A new menu I’d never seen before popped on screen offering a vast array of new brewing volumes and strengths. What wonderful wizardry!
True Fact: The actual product description on the Trader Joe’s Electric Buzz Cups reads “Coffee and electricity don’t mix well, or so we’ve been told, so there isn’t any electricity involved in these jolting coffee cups.” You don’t know me Joe!
All that was left was to see if the machine actually worked, or if it would burn my Tiny House down.
I pressed the brew button.
I held my breath.
And then, the glory:
GRRRRRHSSSSSSSHHH-pst-pst-pst-fwwweerrrrrrshhh
From stress to serenity. In sixty seconds or less.
